I think you're very nearly there, but I also think you've got some complications hanging over from some of your previous ideas, and I think you need to get rid for the benefit of a great 2 minute story. I don't think you need the whole grandma thing or indeed having the glasses made out of magnifying glasses; all you need is this:
1) Establish your protagonist as a bookworm - he has giant over-sized glasses that magnify his eyes etc; also establish him as a boffin, so he loves science. I suggest you try thinking about using some POV shots very early on where we see his view of his textbooks and you sort of demonstrate how he is 'zoning in' and magnifying all the details in his text books - so you're making a connection between his cleverness, and his attention to detail.
2) Establish the fact that he is bullied 'because' of his glasses, as in 'Oi, X-Ray Specs!' or 'Oi, Four-Eyes' or whatever. Establish the fact that a) the clever boy if thin and b) his bully is thick-set, square-headed and fat (good binary opposition on screen telling us even more about these characters) and that he is always eating.
3) You will need to show that the clever boy is bullied a lot - he gets his packed lunch stolen by the bully in the canteen every day (at the moment your treatment suggests that the clever kid takes his revenge after only 2 incidents) - this is what a montage would be good for - compressing time on screen and saving time on screen. You also need to show that the bully always eats the boy's muffin.
4) There needs to be a clear 'last straw' - the inciting incident that triggers the boy's revenge. Can I suggest that it is when the boy fights back a bit, but the bully breaks his glasses, as the glasses represent the clever kid's 'world' and his values etc. (knowledge, learning etc).
5) With his glasses held together with a sticking plaster, the boy - at home - surrounded by his chemistry books - is shown cooking something (but we're not shown what at this point).
6) It's the next day in the canteen, the bully comes, laughs at the clever kid's broken glasses, and steals his packed lunch - he eats the muffin - everyone is watching this moment; and then, the moment happens.
Like I said, I don't think you need the grandma or any of that - I think you can just get on with it.
OGR 23/01/2019
ReplyDeleteHey Liv,
I think you're very nearly there, but I also think you've got some complications hanging over from some of your previous ideas, and I think you need to get rid for the benefit of a great 2 minute story. I don't think you need the whole grandma thing or indeed having the glasses made out of magnifying glasses; all you need is this:
1) Establish your protagonist as a bookworm - he has giant over-sized glasses that magnify his eyes etc; also establish him as a boffin, so he loves science. I suggest you try thinking about using some POV shots very early on where we see his view of his textbooks and you sort of demonstrate how he is 'zoning in' and magnifying all the details in his text books - so you're making a connection between his cleverness, and his attention to detail.
2) Establish the fact that he is bullied 'because' of his glasses, as in 'Oi, X-Ray Specs!' or 'Oi, Four-Eyes' or whatever. Establish the fact that a) the clever boy if thin and b) his bully is thick-set, square-headed and fat (good binary opposition on screen telling us even more about these characters) and that he is always eating.
3) You will need to show that the clever boy is bullied a lot - he gets his packed lunch stolen by the bully in the canteen every day (at the moment your treatment suggests that the clever kid takes his revenge after only 2 incidents) - this is what a montage would be good for - compressing time on screen and saving time on screen. You also need to show that the bully always eats the boy's muffin.
4) There needs to be a clear 'last straw' - the inciting incident that triggers the boy's revenge. Can I suggest that it is when the boy fights back a bit, but the bully breaks his glasses, as the glasses represent the clever kid's 'world' and his values etc. (knowledge, learning etc).
5) With his glasses held together with a sticking plaster, the boy - at home - surrounded by his chemistry books - is shown cooking something (but we're not shown what at this point).
6) It's the next day in the canteen, the bully comes, laughs at the clever kid's broken glasses, and steals his packed lunch - he eats the muffin - everyone is watching this moment; and then, the moment happens.
Like I said, I don't think you need the grandma or any of that - I think you can just get on with it.